Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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