It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
