Sry I called you an 8
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
