Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
