thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize