the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
