I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
