I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize