we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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