I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
