i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
