She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
