I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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