What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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