When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Randomize
