So drunk its hurt
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
