I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
