Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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