I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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