When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
