so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
