im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
