If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
