You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
