I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
COCAINE IS GR8
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
