I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
