Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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