Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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