If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize