So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
