If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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