I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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