Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
