im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
