She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
