my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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