If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just invented taco cereal.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
