My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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