Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
