I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
