Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
