We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
