she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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