You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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