I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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