I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i barfeds in our rink
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
