U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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