Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
