He is an equal opportunity slut.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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