There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
my poor anus
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
