you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
