the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
