I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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