Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
