Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
