i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
