I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
