Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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