If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
