Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
