Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Please don't give away my fajitas
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
