Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
