i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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