Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
