On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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